I haven't really written a thought out entry in a while. It's been a long long year.
This time last year I was grudgingly starting yet another year at school. I had three new roommates I didn't know and really wasn't looking forward to it at all. I turned 21 in September and had a nice intimate gathering of friends. One of my roommates went home for her grandma's funeral and came back pregnant. Another roommate had an abusive, cheating boyfriend. Wasn't that a fun adventure *rolls eyes*! I searched and searched for a job and finally around Thanksgiving, I got hired at a bookstore. My best friend and I took a trip halfway across the state, to what ended up being a quaint little racist town. How wonderful to know that they do exist, even in this lovely state I call home. My friend and I also made our own Thanksgiving and it turned out to be the best one I've had in years. Before Christmas, we went to Disneyland, which was great, because I hadn't been there in about 6 years.
Winter break came and I was bored and going out of my mind. Shortly thereafter, my computer died. That's what lead the initial decline in my postings. But then I just allowed life to get in the way and made excuses. But I think I should have kept writing - it helps me sort things out sometimes. And trust me, there has been plenty to sort out!
In January I started dating someone who was already a close friend of mine. It was my first dating/boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and I was quite excited. We had a snag somewhat early on, but seemed to get over the hump. I stopped working at the bookstore in April and eventually found another job. The school year FINALLY ended, and I barely survived. So much was going on in my personal life and the stress of being at a school I hate didn't make things easier. So saying I barely made it by really just means that I didn't fail ALL of my classes.
I decided I couldn't take living on campus anymore, so I threw everything into finding a place to live. I ended up renting a room in a house and I love it. I've got pictures that I will post later. It came with built in bookshelves...how could I not take it?
I've struggled with a lot of emotional things for years now and finally started getting more proactive in trying to rectify things. But, as things tend to go in my life, if it's not one thing it's another. My dating relationship snag, a wound that had been stitched up, had clearly not healed, but instead was split open again and started gushing. I was entirely overwhelmed and frustrated and confused and hurt. The break up process took about six weeks. And not only did I suffer true, deep, painful heartbreak, but it's a heartbreak that hasn't dissipated. And it's just one of those things that puts a mirror up to your face and constantly makes you see everything that you really don't like about yourself.
I finally got myself to a place where I recognized the pain was still there, but I had to go on with my life and stop thinking about the visions of building a life with this person. We had a very close relationship, and I think we both would think about our relationship in the long term. It's very hard to let something like that go. But I'm continuing to try my best. At first I went kind of nuts, being all crazy and stuff, but I realized that won't get me anywhere - not that being myself has gotten me much of anything either.
I decided I needed to start doing volunteer work again, so I signed up for a few things, including mentoring an international high school student and mentoring a foster child. I found out that for various reasons I wouldn't be able to go back to my school in the fall. So at this point, I wasn't just graduating a semester late....now it'll be a whole year late. But the fact that I'm not going back this fall has brought me great relief. I'm taking a couple of classes at a local community college for fun and personal enrichment and I'm actually very excited about it.
And then tragedy struck...
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Someone I've known since I was 4 died. My friend called me one night a couple of weeks ago and told me the news. I was devastated. Aside from the fact that we weren't blood related, I was raised with this boy and considered him my brother. He was 21 and died of stomach cancer. I cried so much at first and cried in his mother's arms when I went to see her. But that week I felt strangely calm and it was a pretty decent week. Then his funeral came. So many people where there. And many were people I knew. People I met in high school...some in elementary school...some earlier than that. But I moved away when I was 15 and though I thought since I loved and valued those people so much that I'd never lose them, I felt like such an outsider at the funeral. Seeing his body in the casket...it just didn't look like him. I felt like I was going to go insane. The burial came the following day - it's been a week now. That was hard too, but the weird thing was that I felt a strange sense of happiness. Seeing all those people I once new (including a yard duty lady and my 4th grade teacher) made me think of what a happy life I had. I started conjuring up memories of all those people - 5th grade basketball, playing street hockey with the kids on the block, school club meetings in high school. It felt kind of nice to see that everyone else was alive and well and all here together. Is that strange?
So Ive just completed my first week of school at community college. So far so good. I'm working at my job and also trying to start my own business. I don't want my life to be the same as it's been for the last two years (and more), so I'm trying to be active in changing things. I don't know how successful I'll be, but I'm trying.
And I'm going to try to start blogging more regularly. Not that anyone has loaded this page in months since I stopped updating. But at least I get thoughts out, right? I think this is the most personal entry I've made in this blog. I'm not sure if others have been this personal, but this just felt right.
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