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It's those little things
I'm kind of strange, though I'm probably not the only person like this. It's like there are these random little things that can put you in a great mood.
I am a huge Coldplay fan, have been for years. My friggin iTunes hasn't been able to update in...well, almost a year (damn that Windows Vista), so there are occasional songs I can't download because I need the most up-to-date version.
Well, I'm watching TV the other day and I see the new iTunes commercial featuring Coldplay. What a great commercial! Seeing as I couldn't download the song, I went to YouTube.
I've probably watched this 30 times in the past two days. It's put me in a good mood and makes me excited for the new Coldplay album. I just wish it was a full length video. I love the way Chris Martin moves in this - and it's just done really really well. I love the colors too...
Mmmm, I'm gonna watch it again.....
Heath Ledger's death has left me unsettled.
I was at work today, talking to a co-worker about Bran Renfro. She didn't hear that he died last week until yesterday. I was reading an article online about how he has a son living in Japan. As soon as our conversation ended, literally, I got an email from a friend saying that Heath Ledger died. My immediate reaction was "no way." I thought perhaps my friend was looking at the same picture of Brad Renfro that I was and mistook him for Heath Ledger. I wrote her and attempted to corrected her. Curiosity piqued, I Googled Heath. Nothing popped up at the top. Then I clicked the news tab and was presented with a long list of links saying "Actor Heath Ledger, dead at 28."
I couldn't believe it was true.
I loved him in "The Patriot" and his performance in "Monster's Ball," however brief, makes me cry every time. I wasn't thrilled with Brokeback Mountain - I wanted so much more from the movie, and I also thought Jake Gyllenhaal's accent wasn't that great. I did see Heath in "I'm Not There" and I enjoyed it. Though, sitting here thinking about it, I think he was a great actor (it's funny to write "was") - what I am experiencing is not a fan girl reaction, because he wasn't someone who was ever really in my mind. But when I read the news, I just couldn't believe it.
I immediately IMed everyone who was online on my buddy list practically. Why was it so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that some guy died? I mean, yes, he was an actor, but he was a human like you and me. I thought about it for an hour, until personal problems of my own began to dominate my thoughts.
When I made it home in the evening and turned on the news, his death was the top story, after the storm we're experiencing. I felt sad again. Sad for him, sad for his daughter - who is now without a father, sad for Michelle Williams, Heath's family, and anyone else who was close to him. Maybe part of the surprise is because he wasn't out, going crazy, in and out of court, or beating people up. I'm sure no one really saw this coming for this guy at this point in his life.
No one really knows yet what exactly happened. The autopsy hasn't happened yet. Could have been suicide. Could have been an 'accidental overdose.' I heard Harvey Levin of TMZ say he had pneumonia at the time of death. Regardless of the outcome, it just made me get to thinking about the lives we live behind closed doors. To the world, he seemed fine. But if it was suicide or drug addiction, clearly he wasn't fine. Did anyone have the slightest idea? I could spend my nights drinking away the hours, ruining my liver, and not a soul would know. I could be shooting heroin, eating sticks of butter, running in circles while naked. I could have a live in lover, a stipper pole in the center of the room...or anything. And no one would know - even the people who know me best. Who we are when we are alone could be drastically different from who we are when we are around others.
I still can't put my finger on why this particular death has been bothering me so. But clearly it's bothered me enough to write a long post about it.
One of those rare moments of clarity
Sometimes, you can think you are good at something - or at least that you don't suck at it. Maybe, most of the time it's been such a non-issue that when it hits you in the face, you realize "oh crap, I have a problem."
I realized yesterday that I am not good at asking for help.
I do not ask for help often. I've learned that asking is typically pointless. I think that everyone, at some point, needs help with something. There are some things that are easy for me to ask for help with - a job related matter (can you help me with X so I can finish Y? I don't understand A, can you explain it to me?) or help putting heavy packages in my car. There are some other things, but I won't get into them.
Yesterday (well, technically now, the day before yesterday), I found myself in a situation where I really need help. I mean *really*. And I just did not know what to do. I still don't. While walking across town, thinking, it didn't help that I ran into someone I went on a few dates with, who was completely passive and basically an ass. Like - oh great, here you are, right in my path. Does that mean something? I always think things mean something. But that's another issue.
At any point, during the hours and hours I thought I was going to lose my mind, you would think that I would have picked up the phone and called one of the 100+ people in my phone. But I didn't. My thought was "they wouldn't help anyway, so what's the point of spreading the gloom?" when really, had I picked up the phone, the first person I called could have helped me - how would I know?
Experience has taught me that it is a waste to ask. I don't ask for help often, because I don't usually need it. So when I do ask, it's needed. It's like the friend who never cries, but suddenly calls you up bawling - you know it's serious. Or, to interject some positivity into this post - it's like the person who has never told someone they are dating that they love them because they don't use the word lightly. But then they say it to you - and you realize how much it really must mean. End positivity.
Over the past year, I tried to get better at asking for help when I needed it. But virtually every time was met with "sorry" or "I can't" or "If you absolutely can't get anyone else..." Gee thanks. So eventually I went back to not asking, even when it was really needed. But that's bad - because you never know what will happen. You could end up very surprised.
But yesterday, in my jam, I was so fixed on the fact that asking was pointless, that I didn't contact anyone. I figured it would be less painful to suffer through it. Thirty-six hours later, and I still have no picked up the phone.
It's so strange. I know I am not the only person who has trouble asking for help. But why do we have this problem? There is no shame in asking for help. It's just like what "they" say about asking someone out - "all they can do is say no." And initially you think "um, exactly, the no is what I am afraid of." But if you step away from the situation and think about it, getting a no isn't necessarily as horrifying and traumatic as we initially make it out to be.
So, with plenty of time today to wallow in my problem I thought of the most disconnected (yet just a tiny bit connected) that I could call. Is that odd? I thought my chances would be better, but I still ended up not calling. There is still that block to asking for help. Some people are programmed to think that asking for help makes them seem weak. I don't have that programming/mentality and I love to help others - so I find the fact that I struggle with asking for help very interesting.
So, the first realization - that I am not good at asking for help - came to me. I am hoping that through processing all of this, I come up with the second part - WHY GOSH DARN IT?!? (I got all my swear words out earlier - I have none left)
Who needs New Year's?
Things I am putting out into "the Universe."
- I will apply for a passport before December 15, 2007
- I will go to Taize with Valerie OR to see Valerie in the Spring of 2008
- I will go to Paris in the Spring with Kimberly (hey - I'll already be in Taize!)
- I will go on a summer cruise with David.
- If Kim's fashion stuff goes through, I will go to the Bahamas with her.
- I will go to NYC for the Meetup/OPEN Organizers Meeting in January '08
- I will return calls faster
- I WILL remain open to opportunities and possibilities
- I will take advantage (in a good way) of worthwhile opportunities that pass my way
- I WILL take more chances in my business AND personal life
Wow! Black really don't crack!
I am not a party person.
I wish I was.
Not in the sense that I wish I was wild and crazy, drunk off my arse dancing on tables flashing people. I just wish I was a better mingle-er.
A few weeks ago, I spoke at an event in Beverly Hills. I wrote about it here in the good 'ol blog. Well, one of the women I met there has her own marketing company. Every month she has parties in downtown L.A. at various lofts to get the residents plugged into the local businesses. I don't have a store obviously, but at some of her other parties I'm going to have a table or something set up. In addition to business cards and such, I'll have some other visuals and maybe some video, etc.
Tonight's party was a combo marketing party and this woman's 40th birthday. So I was just invited to come and have a good time.
I got there about 2 hours after the party started...but it's L.A., so it took a couple hours after THAT for a crowd to really gather. It was so flippin' cold. What was I thinking? I knew it was a rooftop party, but there I was in my dress, no jacket or anything. I wandered by myself for the first half hour or so, checking out the views and getting some grub. After that, the b-day girl snatched me up and introduced me to her friends. We happened to be sitting next to one of the two rooftop fireplaces. When we finally got it lit, that was it for me - no more walking around. My butt was as close to the fire as it could get.
I ended up talking to several people - but really only if they were around the fire. I got up once or twice, but always ended up back at the fire. There were some fine young male specimens there - but me, with my shyness and freezing-my-butt-offness - I just kept my arse planted.
I actually did have a good time, but I really spent the night talking to various 40 year old women (what's wrong with me? everyone I spend time with these days is over 35. how did this happen?). All of them but one were black. And my lord, two of them told me they were 41...I wouldn't have pegged them for a day over 30. They say black don't crack, and I'm really starting to believe it. I'm 23 and I already feel like I'm cracking. I need to tap these women for their secrets. I don't want my black to crack!
I'm home now, sweats on, rocking out to Audioslave, trying to stay warm.
Nerd?
I think so. But that's ok.
I think.
I am so proud of myself!
A couple of weeks ago, I was surfing online for various meetings and groups I could check out. This was mainly for business purposes, as I'm signed up for enough social type groups right now.
I found a meeting that looked interesting, so I sent off an email to find out more info. My call was returned by the PR person for the event. She put me down on the list to attend, but also asked me to - get this - be a speaker at the event. Wuuuuut?? So I said yes. And for the past two weeks I hadn't given it much thought other than "yeah, I'm speaking at this event."
This weekend rolled around and the nervousness began - I'd be speaking in front of a room of stranger - and I had no idea who these strangers were or how many of them there would be. I also had no idea what I was going to say.
I got home two hours before event time and tried to figure out what to wear. I found the right dressed, grabbed my notepad, business cards, and postcard/flyer things and headed on my way. The event was at the Beverly Hilton, so it was cool to go to an L.A. landmark. I had to valet park, which I wasn't expecting, because self parking was full. Who the hell valets an '87 Acura?? Well, I am getting more nervous with each step, still not sure of what I'll be saying.
I made the rounds to check out merchandise that some vendors had during the "mingle time." I introduced myself to a few people, told a couple of them what I did, and told a few about the magazine I write for if it seemed like they'd be someone who could write for us or be featured by us. Speaking of the magazine, in addition to writing articles, I'm now going to be editing our section on non-profits (which are always close to my heart), but that's another story. I introduced myself to the publisher of the magazine that was sponsoring the event (she runs the event as well).
The speakers included a poet, a real estate agent, a woman who wrote a self-help type book, and a plastic surgeon because, as the publisher said "what's an event in Beverly Hills without a plastic surgeon?" (do you understand why this is a place I never spend time in?). I was the final speaker. People asked questions - I got more questions than anyone else!
how do you maintain?
how do you get started?
how can I help my kids?
what do you do with severe hoarders?
how do you know what to tackle first when everything is a mess?
Wow - I mean, I felt like an expert, it was crazy! After the event ended, several people asked for my business card and others told me they loved what I had to say. A couple of women told me I was "hot" and I "rocked it." Haha. Add that to the people I told about the magazine, and the woman who invited me to her birthday party (!!!!!) and networking events...I'd say I did well in the connections department. None of these people could end up clients, but that's not the point. Sure, I run a networking group - but I've never been a *guest speaker* somewhere for some group or organization I'm not involved in. The publisher had me give my card to her daughter, who apparently needs me. And then - get this - she asked me if I wanted to write something for her publication. Hello!! Of course! Sure, it's not Time or Vanity Fair, but whoooooo cares?
So, the night ended and I actually felt like a somewhat successful person. What a concept!
I was chillin' on a Sunday afternoon
Well, I have to say, I had a really nice Sunday! Good from start to finish.
On Saturday night, after a good dance party (see previous post) I set my alarm for 6:30 AM. Yes, 6:30 AM. I knew I wanted to wash my car before the sun came out (it causes major streaking), but I also thought that if I felt up for it, I'd go to the Rose Bowl Flea Market.
Well, when I woke up, it was a lot brighter than it should have been. That's because it was actually 7:50 and I discovered that my alarm was set for 6:30 PM. So, in my jammies and a sweatshirt I hurriedly hopped in my car and went to wash it. I knew if I didn't do it, it'd be another week and my car was looking just plain sad. I mean, if it's old and making a funny sound, it can at least be clean!
So, I washed my car (which I actually enjoy when I get around to it) and then returned home to pass sometime before heading out to Studio City for brunch at Good Neighbors. It was a perfectly lovely brunch with a cool person. I don't do brunch often, so that was also kind of nice.
After that, I went to Amoeba Music, which is my favorite place to shop for music (and movies too, sometimes). I intended to buy a couple of things - and I did - but I also bought a few more.
The goods:
The Very Best of Dusty Springfield - Dusty Springfield (duh)
Year Zero - Nine Inch Nails
Dave Chappelle's Block Party soundtrack
Trailer Park - Beth Orton
Slow Motion Addict - Carina Round
Too Young to Fight It - Young Love
The Sun and the Moon - The Bravery
This is What Radio Should Sound Like - Various Artists
The first two are the ones I intended to buy. I debated picking up Sam's Town by the Killers but put it back down. I also decided I wasn't quite ready for the new Tori Amos.
I will talk about my music purchases in depth in a later post. For now, I move on.
I proceeded to Pasadena to meet a friend to see Once. Oh. Wow. What a good movie! It was charming, funny, had good music...and yes, I cried a little. Well, maybe I shouldn't call it crying. A few involuntary tears made their way out of my eyes. My friend and I had a early dinner at San Sai, where I had my least favorable experience with them. The first time I had their food, it was from the Westwood location. The second time it was Glendale. It was fine today, but didn't taste as great, so maybe something was wrong with my tastebuds. We stopped at Interact, a store that sells computer games, used movies and TV series. The only thing I usually get there is TV series because the prices are FANTASTIC, so in comparison, I don't find the movie prices to be as great (example - I bought a season of a tv show for two dollars more than the price of one movie).
The goods:
Saved By the Bell - Seasons 1 & Two
Weeds - Season 1 (mixed feelings, but whatever. If I end up opposed to the show for some reason, I'll just sell it)
Hard Candy
Little Children (soooo good).
I worked with a client for a couple of hours after that and then came home, to where my landlord has just acquired a jacuzzi, which I will be using (I have never been in one!), imported Dusty and NIN into my iTunes, played on Facebook, and clearly, updated my blog!
It was a lovely day from start to finish. Totally stress free. If every Sunday was this pleasant - wow! I can't even imagine. My shoulders and back would probably be a lot less tense, let me tell ya!
Bring it on, Monday!
I just got mind freaked by Chris Angel
Do you know who Chris Angel is? He's the "Mind Freak" magician who has a show on A & E. Normally, I never would have watched this show, but there are some kids I babysat for up until recently who loved the show. I'd show up at their house and they'd subject me to Chris Angel. His show is actually quite entertaining - I just don't really believe people can levitate and stuff like that.
So anyway, I am in the car, commuting to work, and even though I hate them all, I listen to morning radio shows. They're all full of crap, but I don't have a CD player in my car and I can't sit in silence in my car for long. So, I toggle back and forth between all the shows, hoping to find music, or a snippet of some conversation that won't make me want to put my head through the windshield.
This morning, Ryan Seacrest had Chris Angel on his show. After they talked for a while, he said he'd amaze us with something. I'm thinking "yeah right." We had to pick a number (even for women, odd for men), then he went through the numbers 1 - 10, saying a word/phrase "One - precious metal. Two - yarn..." etc etc. So I picked two, which meant my word was yarn. After that, he said some random stuff and you had to pick one. Well, I picked a yellow ball of yarn - and what the f---! He said all the women would think of that and that the men would think of the knife. Of course, mostly women call in to Ryan's show, but everyone that did picked the yellow ball of yarn.
I know there's some explanation out there for it. But sitting in the car, bored out of my mind, I actually was pretty amused and said out loud "oh my god, I just got mind fu---- by Chris Angel."
Pointless story, but I felt like sharing anyway.
I should try positive thinking more often
In my last post, a rambling mess I'm sure no one could follow, I said that I felt like tomorrow would be a good day. I said it in my head and then proceeded to type it and send it out into the world.
Well, yesterday was a very good day. The original morning plan was to go thrift store shopping with a friend, but I had some delays getting out of the house, so we pushed it to today. I got back in my pajamas, turned on some music and just started piddling around. Nothing special. Then I had a couple of interesting phone calls.
The winds were strong in Los Angeles yesterday. SUPER strong. I love a good windy day. I knew there was destruction all around me with trees falling and power going out, so it was kind of nice to just sit in the comfort of my home and stand up to open the window every so often to watch the trees and leaves move back and forth and allow the strong breeze to smack me in the face. Loved it.
After that, a networking associate (what do I call that kind of person?) came over to help me set up my new calendar system and prep for a meeting I as hosting as I had invited her to speak at it. We set up the calendar quickly and had some time to just talk and share about our lives. She's someone I respect and admire very much and that's hard for me to find in a person.
The meeting...oh the meeting. I was so worried that we'd have a low turn out. The meetings I host on the west side of Los Angeles are no problem, but the San Gabriel Valley has been a thorn in my side, which is unfortunate since that's my home base. My associate (you know, I really think we are friends now) and I went down there and within 5 minutes, the first two people showed up. Wow, people were showing up early! And they kept showing up. We had to add tables and chairs to our gathering as the people filtered in. We had a turnout to rival the west side. It felt great. And when the meeting ended, at least half the people stayed around to talk to each other - which is the kind of thing I want to happen. We even attracted a couple of onlookers who overheard our discussion. People kept thanking me for organizing it and that made me feel good, because it's clearly something people want.
And then after the meeting...oh, after the meeting. I can't tell you about after the meeting. A person has to have some secrets right?
I had a fantastic day.
Here I am
Here I am
sitting on a barstool
headphones on, Ray LaMontagne singing smoothly into my ears
"war is not the answer...the answer is within you."
I'm kind of wishing that I had a q-tip next to me, as I'd rather not stand up...even though my butt is kind of hurting at this point. pesky ear wax.
I'm sitting here thinking about how exhausted I am and how I should really be in bed.
I'm thinking about how my life isn't exactly what I'd envisioned for myself right now, but that you know what? My life isn't half bad.
I'm thinking that tomorrow will be a good day, and that's something I don't often think. I can even say I am excited for tomorrow...
I think I will play this CD over again, even though I've listened to it all the way through at least 4 times today. I love the journey this album takes me on.
Glancing around the room, I realize how comfortable I am here and how I can't wait until things are all in their rightful place(es?).
"don't let your soul get lonely child it's only time it will go by..."
Distracted by the banner ads of half naked women flaunting their body parts, I wonder if there is some way to make it stop. This might excite or at least interest me if I was a lesbian. Unfortunately for me, I am not a lesbian. It's just plain annoying.
"see I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kind of bore me..."
I'm thinking about how nothing in my life turns out just the way I hope it will. Rarely does something absolutely terrible happen, but I have a very active imagination and reality rarely lives up to it. The conversations never flow the same way, the people aren't as enthusiastic as they were in my head. The speech gets messed up, the agenda goes out the window. Someone puts my clean towels and pillows on the floor, which drives me nuts, but I say nothing, because they are trying to help me, and I silently think of how I will have to wash them all over again...
And don't even get me started about the wild fantasies I have about me and a field of tall grass and a guy named LaMontagne, or sometimes it's a gal named Jolie, and how that never quite works out in reality. Kidding.
There was that one night in October that was better than I imagined...mmmm, much better. That was nice. Ah, memories.
"can I stay here with you till the morning? There's nothing I want more than to wake up on your floor..."
I am content to be typing my random thoughts out, esp since they are things I never get to say out loud. I feel like I'm getting warmed up. I think the next step is to finish and publish the post I wrote many weeks ago but never let out into the wild.
I will try to update again this week. And next time, it will be something that makes sense to other people, not just to me.
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